please delete post

TheEnigma wrote:First off, let's get the nitpicks out of the way:

The boy looked mildly disappointed, his ridiculously baggy cap sagging over one eye as he withdrew his head from the window, saying “Yes, of course, miss, come inside.”

I like the description of the boy, especially the part about his cap.

The boy disappeared down a hallway, his speech in hushed tones emanating from the door at the end of the hallway.

This sentence was a little awkward, especially the underlined part. The words need to be rearranged a little. A suggestion: Perhaps "his speech emanating in hushed tones"? And maybe substitute "voice" for "speech".

His face was turned away from her, but the posture of his body, kneeling over the writhing body, was more telling than any look.
Trembling, she took a few steps in his direction, her chest rising and falling as she breathed.
For a scant handful of seconds, she stood silently, gazing over the room, her mouth twisted into a sympathetic line.

It was unclear to me at first whose point of view this part was written from. Also, "her mouth twisted into a sympathetic line"? It doesn't feel right. I don't think sympathetic is the word you're looking for here, given the storyline.

That's just the goal for this scene, she feels really truly sorry for a guy she is accustomed to hating.

Tharso sat back on his heels, reaching down to her wrist, which he caught with one hand, and pressed his forefinger to it, feeling of for her heartbeat.

“She’s had them for as long as I can remember,” Jonalla stated, sighing heavily.

Don't be afraid to use "said".

Thanks for the tip.

At this point in mid-morning, Jonalla tromped back up the stairs to her room, collapsing, exhausted, onto her bed, taking Aspen in her arms.

What happened to Verdeyan? Did Jonalla just kick her out of bed?

Well, I was gonna put more in to clarify but then I realized it was already way too long.

Overall I think this is pretty good, though you could use a little more detail and description, and some things need to be explained better. You did, however, use dialogue excellently, and you managed to convey character's feelings, as well as the mood of the story, through dialogue and actions exceptionally well. Good job.

First off, let's get the nitpicks out of the way:

The boy looked mildly disappointed, his ridiculously baggy cap sagging over one eye as he withdrew his head from the window, saying “Yes, of course, miss, come inside.”

The boy disappeared down a hallway, his speech in hushed tones emanating from the door at the end of the hallway.

His face was turned away from her, but the posture of his body, kneeling over the writhing body, was more telling than any look.
Trembling, she took a few steps in his direction, her chest rising and falling as she breathed.
For a scant handful of seconds, she stood silently, gazing over the room, her mouth twisted into a sympathetic line.

Tharso sat back on his heels, reaching down to her wrist, which he caught with one hand, and pressed his forefinger to it, feeling of for her heartbeat.

“She’s had them for as long as I can remember,” Jonalla stated, sighing heavily.

At this point in mid-morning, Jonalla tromped back up the stairs to her room, collapsing, exhausted, onto her bed, taking Aspen in her arms.